As a disabled woman, I’ve sadly become somewhat immune to overt forms of aggression and discrimination.
I almost expect the lift to be out of service whilst shopping. I also acknowledge that my work prospects are diminished in comparison to my non-disabled peers, and that it’s highly likely I will be abandoned on a train without a ramp because assistance has ‘forgotten’ about me.
Having regularly faced these obstacles over the years I’ve learnt to navigate through them, in my own way. That’s not to say they don’t enrage and frustrate me to the point where I want to scream, of course. I do most of my shopping online nowadays to avoid any inaccessibility on the high street, and I work freelance, thus creating my own job opportunities. This has helped me regain some autonomy over my life.
Other forms of aggression, however, I’ve yet to figure out how to manage quite so well. I’m talking about those subtle negative acts or comments I experience daily.
For example, there’s the countless times I’ve been referred to as ‘inspirational’ simply for existing. There’s the constant patting of my head, or high-fives from people that feel awkward around my disability.
And, of course, patronising comments like ‘now, don’t go speeding’ (referring to my wheelchair), or the ‘do you live alone?’ question, often followed by a shocked face when I answer ‘yes’.
Then there’s the receptionist not standing up when she addresses me from behind a desk that is far too high for me to see over, or the flyer distributor promoting a gym who ignores me because they assume that disabled people don’t keep fit.
The most recent example of this occurred when I took my kitten to the vet. The vet asked if I was capable of signing the consent form for her operation, because presumably being in a wheelchair means I cannot write.
I’ve often had medical professionals talk to my PA (personal assistant) rather than me, even though it’s me that is going to be having the procedure.
These are all acts that are often referred to as ‘microaggressions’.
Simply put, microaggressions are daily reminders of common oppression and negative stereotypes which over time can chip away at an individual and can become internalised.
Dr Amy Kavanagh, who is visually impaired, expresses her experience of microaggressions as unwanted touching or ‘forced help’, along with a patronising tone of voice or pitying language. ‘I even have people coo at me or pet me when they talk to me,’ she says. ‘They’ll keep rubbing my arm when they talk to me, or talk to me loud and slow like I’m a child’.
The trouble is, these microaggressions don’t necessarily come from a place of malice. Rather, it’s a place of ignorance. Many people are unaware that they are being ableist, which makes it very difficult for the recipient to challenge.
The one time I challenged someone, I ended up somehow feeling bad. A doctor’s surgery receptionist repeatedly ignored me and spoke to my PA, so in frustration, I said rather abruptly, ‘I’m the patient, you need to speak to me!’
This resulted in the lengthy queue of people behind me suddenly going dead quiet. All eyes were on me, except for those of the receptionist, who didn’t know where to look. My intention wasn’t to embarrass him, but his actions had made me feel so inferior.
Disabled people aren’t on this earth for the rest of society’s personal development
I appreciate it’s going to take society time to undo years of indoctrination. Negative stereotypes towards those with disabilities have been deeply embedded, but if we do indeed live in a ‘woke’ world, then ignorance is no longer a valid reason to have these outdated and harmful views towards disabled people.
I would never discourage healthy curiosity and eagerness to learn about how others live, but disabled people aren’t on this earth for the rest of society’s personal development.
There are ways to explore your curiosity without causing offence. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask someone how they can drive a car if they are disabled if you’re unaware of the fact that cars can be modified – but don’t then end the conversation by saying, ‘Bless, good for you!’
My advice is simply this: if you wouldn’t say or do it to a stranger on the street, then why say or do it to someone with a disability?
Show empathy and compassion. Simply put, how would you feel if your doctor, teacher, or cashier didn’t even acknowledge your existence, instead choosing to speak only to your friend or partner?
How would you feel if you heard a stranger saying they would rather be dead than live your life?
Living life while being constantly bombarded by these microaggressions chips slowly away at self-esteem and confidence.
It’s important to remember that in fact, we are all guilty of microaggressions, no matter who we are. We can only continuously learn about and from others who share different life experiences from our own in order to avoid these unintentional yet potentially harmful interactions.
MORE: Stop referring to people with disabilities as ‘inspirational’ – my body does not define me
MORE: Overcoming negative body image is never easy – with a disability it’s even harder
MORE: You Don’t Look Sick: ‘People think I’m too young to be disabled’
source https://metro.co.uk/2019/11/26/ask-disability-curious-dont-patronise-11215103/
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