After my diagnosis, nobody mentioned the sexual difficulties that breast cancer treatment can cause (Picture: Breast Cancer Now)
I’ve had a fibroadenoma (a non-cancerous lump) in my left breast since I was a teenager, so I’m really aware of what’s normal for me.
So in August 2016, when I noticed the underside of my breast had changed shape and there was dimpling too, alarm bells went off. I booked an appointment with my GP who referred me to the breast clinic. Two weeks later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
There wasn’t much time between my diagnosis and the start of my treatment, which included a mastectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and hormone therapies, so I didn’t have time to consider how it could impact my life – including my marriage.
From the start, my husband and I tried to carry on as normal and maintain an intimate relationship, but the treatment took away my libido and caused horrible vaginal dryness and irritation, which made having sex so painful.
Plus, the loss of my hair and breast, as well as weight gain, made me feel unattractive – I remember thinking I looked more like Uncle Fester than myself.
I spoke openly with my husband about these issues and we eventually worked out that I needed more time and stimulation to be ready for sex. He always reassured me that he still found me attractive, too.
A recent survey from Breast Cancer Now revealed that three in four women are not told about the possible impact breast cancer treatment can have on sex and intimacy. This is shocking, but not surprising to me. After my diagnosis, nobody mentioned the sexual difficulties that breast cancer treatment can cause, nor was I offered support.
In fact many of the side effects were a complete surprise. I was told treatment would induce early menopause, which I knew would be difficult to cope with, but I was never told exactly what I could be going through.
The loss of my hair and breast, as well as weight gain, made me feel unattractive (Picture: Breast Cancer Now)
While I’m normally the type of person who is comfortable talking about sex and proactive in finding support when I need it, treatment knocked my confidence badly.
Along with vaginal dryness, I experienced four bouts of thrush in three months, which was horrendous and made going to the toilet painful. I was in such a vulnerable place due to my diagnosis that I was uncharacteristically embarrassed and reluctant to reach out for help. It took me months to speak to someone. I thought that I should be worrying about cancer, not having sex with my husband.
After plucking up the courage to get support, I was eventually offered lubricants and moisturisers by my breast care nurse, which made a big difference, but solutions like this should be brought up a lot sooner.
I appreciate there’s a lot to talk about or maybe some health care professionals feel embarrassed about bringing it up. But having someone talk to you about the potential impact on sex and intimacy, and being given information at the beginning of treatment would help take away some of the embarrassment. For me, this was particularly hard after my diagnosis when my confidence fell dramatically.
My marriage was happy but it wasn’t perfect, and the sexual problems we experienced due to my treatment added unnecessary pressure. We separated in February 2018 after 18 years together.
I’ve since dated a few men and have been honest about my needs, explaining that I need more help and time to enjoy sex. This was really empowering and gave me confidence, leading to a more fulfilling experience from the outset.
But four months ago I was diagnosed with secondary, incurable cancer, so dating has taken a backseat for now.
Not only has the vaginal discomfort returned as my treatments have changed, but sex is simply not something I currently want – there are too many other things going on.
However, I know in the future I will be ready to be intimate with someone again- and it’s so important other women who’ve had a cancer diagnosis know that they’re not the only ones experiencing problems with sex and intimacy.
It’s okay to talk about it – just having a conversation can make a big difference.
Ann Summers and Breast Cancer Now have launched a new partnership to help start the conversation about sex, intimacy and breast cancer: breastcancernow.org/intimacy
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