OK, so you introduced a friend to one of your other friends and now you think they like each other more than they like you.
You felt like they’d get on so you hung out together and now, if you’re honest about it, you wish you hadn’t because you’re feeling a little left out.
They’re spending time together without you and you sometimes feel like turning up to one of their clandestine catch-ups and yelling ‘Who introduced you to each other, you ungrateful weasels! Love me!’
But you don’t because you’re actually a very nice and sensible person, which is precisely why both these people should like you the most.
It doesn’t feel very nice to imagine that these mates of yours are secretly whispering about how much they prefer one another to you but it’s going to be alright, I promise. Let’s talk this through.
Remember, friendships are not monogamous
Truly, don’t get too carried away fantasising that these pals of yours sit around gossiping about you, or scheming about how they’ll get you out of their lives so they can be together forever. For a start, that’s just not how friendship works and you know it.
The lovely thing about friendship is that we actually have the capacity to make many friends, not just the one. Our hearts have room for more than one friend thankfully.
These are not romantic partners we’re talking about, so there’s been no promise of monogamy or exclusivity exchanged between you. There is no betrayal here – they’ve done nothing wrong by you.
Presumably you have more than two friends? Great, go and see them.
Sweet thing, it is extremely unlikely they even bother talking about you. Maybe you come up sometimes in a casual ‘isn’t she great’ kind of way but otherwise I promise they’re talking about other things: their lives, their loves, their careers, their brunch-related decisions.
The point is that they get on well, they have chemistry, they like each other and there is actually no reason for either of these friends to cancel their subscription to your friendship just because they get on.
So long as you’re still being the kind, interesting person they decided to like in the first place, you have no reason to fret. There’s room for you all in one another’s lives.
You are not going to get bumped out of your position as buddy. Just make sure you continue to invest in these friendships in your usual lovely way, so they know that they matter to you.
If you think you might have done something truly terrible – bad enough to warrant these people working together to cut you out of their lives – then I suggest you think about what you did and make amends.
It’s OK to feel left out
Alright, so all of that said, you still feel left out. Let’s deal with that.
It’s a little bit infantile, but still, I get it. Adult people are absolutely capable of feeling excluded, especially when their mates hang out together without them.
The best tactics here are really going to be transparency, love and distraction. So, if you’ve got the courage to be vulnerable, you could start by saying to one or both of your mates that you’re feeling a bit excluded.
It’s not shameful to admit that, it’s perfectly fine. A little text expressing that you’d love to hang out with them, either individually or together, is a nice way to go.
You could add that you know it sounds silly but you’re feeling a bit weird and you’d appreciate a little extra TLC. You can be proactive about organising things for you all to do.
You can also make the conscious decision to come at this with love, instead of jealousy or envy or insecurity. Choose to ignore those petty, unpleasant feelings and embrace being kind and generous and sweet with your friends.
Every time you feel the instinct to be narky or mean (to yourself or others), mentally catch yourself and redirect your energies into feeling grateful to have these people in your life.
If none of that works then it’s time for a little distraction. Now might be a nice time to reconnect with someone you haven’t seen in ages, message a potential new friend or hang out with other people.
Actively remind yourself who else you have in your life by hanging out with people you like – people other than the two friends who are now seeing each other all the time.
Presumably you have more than two friends? Great, go and see them. If not, make some new ones. I also recommend gentle soothing activities like Netflix and Deliveroo, napping, reading, bubble baths and cookies. When in doubt, do something nice for yourself.
Three is the magic number
Have you thought about how this might, in fact, be a delightful development? Previously, you would have kept them separate but now you can all spend time together and there are three of you, which means you’re halfway to being the main cast of Friends.
Now that two of your favourite people actually like one another, it means you can do things as a group, which has that rather pleasant effect of making you feel loved and welcome and like you belong in the company of other human beings.
Make the most of it – do something nice together, hang out all three of you (did someone say Greek island getaway?).
You can have brunches and dinners and walks and wines and movie nights – and! You can finally play card games that require more than two players. Frankly, I fail to see the problem here.
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source https://metro.co.uk/2019/10/17/avoid-getting-jealous-friends-hang-without-10927315/
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